Sorting out the Big Questions

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Lately, I have been feeling like I have just lost inspiration, motivation, passion, etc. to figure out any kind of plan for the future. I have trouble figuring out what I want in life right now, and I'm having trouble figuring out the next chapter of my life. Now part of this I'm okay with, I pride myself in being patient, and being able to go with the flow at times. However, too much Zen and flow means that life could pass you by. Maybe that's not the end of the world though? Buddhists have a saying that runs something like this: 

"If you just sit under a tree and wait, eventually the world will come to you." 

I'm not going to pretend I know exactly what that means, but at different times in my life I thought it made a lot of sense. Still, most folks like to have some notion that they are the guiding masters of their own fate. I know I do, even if at times I feel like there is a greater force guiding us - fill in the blank for you - God, Fate, Universe, etc. We don't want to wait for the world to come to us, we want to see it all, and be a part of it all.

Recent days have seen me trying to sort out and find some answers to some of the big questions of young adult life. Things like, where do I want my career to go? Am I doing what I love? Where do I want to live? Am I with the person I should be with? These are the BIG ones. No easy answers to these. Even with constant thought and attention, the solutions to these big questions come slowly and quietly, like light creeping through a veil. 

The end of each year can hit me hard (autumn, heading into winter). The shorter, colder days give way to introspection for me. It's like I become a detective searching out my own shortcomings, gaps, flaws, holes. Like an old puzzle, I look for the piece that's missing. The one that isn't there. I think a lot of people do this around this time of year, but probably can't admit to it. It's easier to jump on the roller coaster of consumerism and the holidays to ride out the year, than to fight the ennui, or to sort through these feelings.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, suffice it to say, I'm going through a sort of dark night of the soul moment, and I know it will pass soon - especially if I can find some answers to my big questions soon. 

Not everyone is so introspective and has trouble with big decisions and the like. I'm always struck by how easily solutions come to some folks. Some are just better equipped to take things in stride with a little more grace. Case in point, my best friend, who is getting married next year, is definitely trying to find out some big questions now. Chiefly, he and fiancé are house hunting. They have to sort through things like, where to live? How much to spend? What requirements are we looking for in a home?

Anytime I do any searching like this, usually just for giggles, it starts to stress me out. This is me. My friend on the other hand doesn't get too bogged down, and that is admirable. At times, I wish I could be more like this. Unfortunately, I tend to look at the world in terms of the myriad, infinite possibilities, and this is not always helpful, nor does it really lead to better decisions. At any given time, if you have a few workable ideas/solutions, well, that's usually more than enough. Make decision. Orient yourself. Make changes. Move on. Easier said than done. Hey, I'm a work in progress folks. 

Life Beyond the Red Pen

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Grading is not my favorite part about teaching (is it anyone's?). I really enjoy engaging students with new material, throwing ideas at them, and watching the lightbulbs come on. Seeing a student's improvement in writing over the course of a semester is very fulfilling.

But, every few weeks or so, I have to put on my other "cap" as grader. I guess some teachers relish getting out the red pens (slowly going the way of the buffalo in today's technology-driven culture, really I use Turnitin.com) and marking up student papers with gusto. I do not relish the task, but I do understand the importance of the task.

Giving a grade in writing is no small task. Where in math there may only be one answer, and that eases the burden of grading, writing is totally different. It's often not easy to weight out a students idea, or essay, and say how it measures up. Case in point, recently I received a well-written essay, but it totally ignored the prompt and the style of essay we were examining at the time. Here, clearly the student missed the mark of the assignment, and yet, good quality writing prevailed. Unfortunately, I had to dock the student several points for this.

Some might be comfortable in this role of grand arbiter of taste, judgment, and the RED PEN, but lets face it, it's not an easy role.

Over the course of a semester, as a teacher of college composition, you face lots of these little judgments along the way. Decisions and decisions. Rinse, wash, repeat. With this in mind, it's common to start second guessing yourself in the grading process. Did I judge this student's work too harshly? Or, Was I not harsh enough? 

See, writing is not an exact science. It is not something that teachers can look at in a completely objective manner. It is a craft, can be an art, and at the end of the day, it remains largely subjective. 

Which brings us back full circle to the sometimes painful process of grading. Sure, with my experience in writing, I have learned to recognize the full spectrum of bland, good, and great writing. Along with plagiarism, poor citations, and other ills that come with the territory. But, when it comes to grading students responses, stamping a tough grade on a student's paper sometimes feels like a chore. A poor grade can challenge a student to hone his or her craft, rise to the occasion on the next assignment, etc., but it can also be the death knell of the student's ambition to write, especially for students that may lack the confidence to continue through a setback.

I think more times than not, I err on the side being a little soft in my grading. Some seasoned, hardened teachers might see this as a setback, but I try to be encouraging and supportive in my feedback to students' papers. They need the support to continue on in the craft that really has no end point. One will be honing his or her writing skills throughout life. They need to be shown that it is possible for them to improve. And, students need feedback to be shown how to get there - this comes by the measured hand of constructive criticism. Too much, and the student shuts down. Just enough, and well that is where you begin to see students stick with the process and improve.