Taking Stock of the Year (2015)

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It's hard to believe that this year is almost over. It has flown by. Even as I write those words, they feel somewhat trite and cliche, but they fit. This has been a fast-moving year, and I feel like for the most part, all I was able to do was hold on. This last bit of the year has been tough/crazy, as I started working as an adjunct at another school (in addition to where I previously worked).

Learning the ropes at a new place, and meeting new demands, has not been easy. Also, the miles put on my car and body to get to both places (100-mile round trips each day) has taken its toll. I FEEL tired. I am ready for a break. Luckily, I am within striking distance of Christmas break now, and I'm really hoping that the rest, relaxation, and time with family and friends is going to renew my spirits. 

I feel like I worked really hard this year. I don't have much to show for it. The paltry paychecks earned from my adjunct work don't 't show the long hours of planning, grading, and reaching out to students. But, my experience in teaching continues to grow. Right now, I don't have any resumes out, and at least locally, I do not see any full-time opportunities on my horizon. I tried for one earlier in the year and missed out. The competition was stiff - 60 applicants from across the nation, some of whom no doubt had PhDs.

At the close, I am trying to take stock and make sense of this year. I have struggled to understand what progress and success looks like in my life at this moment. I am nearly 30, but I really feel like a lot of loose ends have not come together in my life. No house, no career (at least not full-time), and still eking by on the bare essentials.

In a lot of ways, I just don't feel like life is living up to what I imagined. Now, of course, this is a very "first world problems"-oriented viewpoint. I know I have more in my life and more opportunities than most of the world, but in the rat race of American society, I FEEL lacking. I feel like somehow I was not able to make success happen. Maybe I didn't work hard enough? Go to the right schools? Meet the right people? These questions can spiral into the ingredients necessary for an existential crisis. 

I try to stave off those existential feelings because they usually don't lead down healthy avenues of thought. Instead, I try to be thankful and grateful for the things I do have. The things that are working out. And, the many lessons I am learning about adulthood - most of them un-sexy and un-fun, but great lessons nonetheless. 

I have been thinking about what I might like the next year to look like, and I'm still at a loss. I am reluctant to set any goals, aspirations, or resolutions at this point. Thinking about next year and what I would want to achieve makes me weary. I feel like my TRY meter is broken. I have tried a lot of things/worked hard in the past five years or so, and sometimes I struggle to see the big picture. Have those lessons/experiences added up to anything? Have they brought me to a good place? I am still wrestling with those answers. To tell the truth, I'm not sure. But, I did try, damn it. 

I was listening to a Wilco song called "You Are My Face" recently and it seemed to speak to this juncture and crossroads in my life:

"I have no idea how this happens
All of my maps have been overthrown
Happenstance has changed my plans
So many times my heart has been outgrown"

(Singer-Songwriter Jeff Tweedy from Wilco)

This really seems to encapsulate how I am feeling lately. How do you plan when you no longer feel like planning? I have made great plans in the past 10 years - I feel like I did my best with my 20s. But, here in the twilight of my 20s, and the doorstep of my 30s, I feel like many of those plans didn't pan out, or had to change to flow with life. Try as we may to plan our lives, life, God, Fate, Time etc. often can and does step in - and not always in the most pleasing ways. 

You don't win any friends being down in the dumps like this, so try to find the silver lining to every cloud. I am living my only life. So, I will try to enjoy it in any and every way I can. I will try to get meaning out of it, even in the tough, unforgiving times.

Teaching as a Learning Process

Teaching is a learning process. Many see teaching as the end product, as merely a teaching process (lectures, lessons, notes, etc.). The result of all your efforts in preparation. But that preparation is always is always a learning process, as is seeing your plans unfold in the classroom. Some things work, and other things fall flat on their face.

I often find myself in the classroom trying to make a connection/analogy/example/etc. and the students can't see it. The connection falls flat. In these moments, you have to quickly go back to the drawing board to come up with something better - something students can wrap their heads around, chew on.

A World War I general once said, and I'm paragraphing here, that no plan survives the first attack. After the first attack, the plan changes. Always. Teaching is a lot like this. Teaching I believe is about 50 percent planning and 50 percent improvisation. The 50 percent improvisation may seem a little high to many, but I think that its true. That doesn't mean that 50 percent of the time you are freewheeling in the classroom, no, it just means that 50 percent of the time you are adjusting your plans, making small corrections and changes to make sure that the learning process is going smoothly for students. 

I have been teaching for a few years now, and I continue to learn more about the craft and calling each day. When you see that students are learning/understanding/applying the concepts you are teaching, and you are connecting with your class, that experience can be great. But, when you are falling short, you can feel that, too, and it is not a great experience.

The goal is the maximize those experiences where you are connecting with the class. Of course, this gets harder as the semester wears on. Students interest in your course/subject begins to wane, as they are thinking about the NEXT semester, and the NEXT thing. It is in these times that you really have to work hard to ensure that students still tune into your class.

In the Head and Being thankful

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Lately, I have been second-guessing myself as a teacher. Each semester starts out with a lot joy and optimism of what is ahead, and then towards the end, it becomes more like a dark night of the soul kind of moment. I think this has to do with the part-time, adjunct status I have at each of the schools I teach at. There is a lot of insecurity, questions, variables, and un-answerables that I have to get comfortable with. Even though I think I do a good job with the classes I teach (freshman comp), I never know how long I will be teaching. I never know if this semester will be the semester I don't get called back to teach.

Now luckily, here at the end of November, I do know the answer to that question, as I have been asked back to teach at both schools. But, there were several weeks there where I was just sitting with that uncertainty. Not know if there was going to be enough money in my future to pay the bills. That feeling washes over you, it absorbs you, and ends up making you feel insecure about your yourself, your life, and your abilities. This really is the ugly side of adjunct teaching. Sure, it's cheaper for the school to hire adjuncts, without a doubt, but this assembly-line system we've created has reduced many talented teachers to second class citizens. I find myself among them. 

Bitching comes easy for me, so I'll try to limit myself here. I tend to default to the "glass half empty" philosophy, therefore I constantly have to remind myself of the good that exists in the world, too. Gratitude and positive thinking usually get me back on firmer footing. I am happy to have a job. I am happy to get to teach/talk about a subject I love:  Writing. I know not everyone has this luxury, or opportunity. 

In the world that has everything, with people constantly in search of more, more, more (Moah, moah, moah, if you're Billy Idol), gratitude is the hardest position to maintain. This is especially evident at Thanksgiving, when shortly after the turkey is carved many head out to the stores to fill their carts with the more, more, more. These folks have a difficult time being grateful with what they have, and who they are sharing it with. Gratitude is hard for me, too, but I work at it. 

Before Thanksgiving I was stuck in my head, thinking about my own worries and problems to deal with. Some problems real, some imagined. Thankfully (see, gratitude is happening as we speak), I got out of my own head space long enough to enjoy the damn holiday. It was a good time that I shared with my girlfriend and her family (my folks were away in Tennessee).

My girlfriend's grandmother was here, too. Alzheimer's has taken almost all her memory. She didn't recognize anyone, so she had to meet folks she had known for years like it was the first time again. Very sad, indeed. Her memories were now living in those around her. We were remembering for her. Sitting at the table, eating her meal in a strange place with strangers all around, I wondered what she must have been thankful for? Was she thankful that after all was lost and forgotten within herself that she had other around her who loved, cared, and remembered her? 

I can't say for sure, but I would say she was grateful. It is good to be remembered, especially when you don't remember yourself. Again, the brain's ability to think and perceive is something I am thankful for on a daily basis. There is nothing about these processes that is guaranteed and they don't last forever.

Sorting out the Big Questions

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Lately, I have been feeling like I have just lost inspiration, motivation, passion, etc. to figure out any kind of plan for the future. I have trouble figuring out what I want in life right now, and I'm having trouble figuring out the next chapter of my life. Now part of this I'm okay with, I pride myself in being patient, and being able to go with the flow at times. However, too much Zen and flow means that life could pass you by. Maybe that's not the end of the world though? Buddhists have a saying that runs something like this: 

"If you just sit under a tree and wait, eventually the world will come to you." 

I'm not going to pretend I know exactly what that means, but at different times in my life I thought it made a lot of sense. Still, most folks like to have some notion that they are the guiding masters of their own fate. I know I do, even if at times I feel like there is a greater force guiding us - fill in the blank for you - God, Fate, Universe, etc. We don't want to wait for the world to come to us, we want to see it all, and be a part of it all.

Recent days have seen me trying to sort out and find some answers to some of the big questions of young adult life. Things like, where do I want my career to go? Am I doing what I love? Where do I want to live? Am I with the person I should be with? These are the BIG ones. No easy answers to these. Even with constant thought and attention, the solutions to these big questions come slowly and quietly, like light creeping through a veil. 

The end of each year can hit me hard (autumn, heading into winter). The shorter, colder days give way to introspection for me. It's like I become a detective searching out my own shortcomings, gaps, flaws, holes. Like an old puzzle, I look for the piece that's missing. The one that isn't there. I think a lot of people do this around this time of year, but probably can't admit to it. It's easier to jump on the roller coaster of consumerism and the holidays to ride out the year, than to fight the ennui, or to sort through these feelings.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, suffice it to say, I'm going through a sort of dark night of the soul moment, and I know it will pass soon - especially if I can find some answers to my big questions soon. 

Not everyone is so introspective and has trouble with big decisions and the like. I'm always struck by how easily solutions come to some folks. Some are just better equipped to take things in stride with a little more grace. Case in point, my best friend, who is getting married next year, is definitely trying to find out some big questions now. Chiefly, he and fiancé are house hunting. They have to sort through things like, where to live? How much to spend? What requirements are we looking for in a home?

Anytime I do any searching like this, usually just for giggles, it starts to stress me out. This is me. My friend on the other hand doesn't get too bogged down, and that is admirable. At times, I wish I could be more like this. Unfortunately, I tend to look at the world in terms of the myriad, infinite possibilities, and this is not always helpful, nor does it really lead to better decisions. At any given time, if you have a few workable ideas/solutions, well, that's usually more than enough. Make decision. Orient yourself. Make changes. Move on. Easier said than done. Hey, I'm a work in progress folks. 

The Purpose of "Brick Walls"

 

“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.” -Randy Pausch

The above quote is one I read in the late Randy Pausch's book The Last Lecture a few years ago, and it is something that has stuck with me. Especially here recently, this quote has bubbled back to the surface of my consciousness, as I was gearing up for an opportunity that I thought was going to pan out, and then ended up not.

That opportunity was for a full-time position at the college where I teach. I was hoping, even expecting, to get an interview for the position. Anyone who has had the (dis)pleasure of searching for full-time work in academia knows how tough it can be at times. My current place of employment (one of them) has not had an open full-time position in years. So, not getting a chance at an interview feels like a serious blow - a "brick wall" for sure. 

Over the past few days, I have been working my way through the five stages of grieving:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Now I am somewhere lodged in a sort of hybrid stage, like angry acceptance, but hey, I am working my way through this brick wall, brick by brick. I know that competition for this position for probably exceptionally keen, as a lot of folks were standing in line for this opportunity. A colleague of mine who applied had a decade, or more, of experience teaching, while I only have a handful of teaching years under my belt. I guess I still have some more due-paying years ahead.

I am trying to stay positive in this process, but it is hard. I can't help but feel that not getting at least an interview is a shortcoming on my end. Some gap, or hole in my personality, or teaching style. Although, I recently had a favorable class visit from the dean, this didn't seem to help my prospects.

I tried for a dream, and that dream fell flat on its face. That doesn't mean that its time to stop dreaming, although that is certainly how things feel now. 

Ultimately, the worst part of these brick walls are the fact that they end up making you doubt yourself so much. Like, okay, maybe the wall is here for a reason? Am I a good enough teacher? Do I do enough for my students? Maybe I am not meant for this field? What's wrong with me?! It's a slippery slope. A very unhelpful slippery slope. 

So far, the competitive field of college teaching is sort of the antithesis of my personality. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the teaching, and I love connecting with students, and sharing my knowledge and experience, but fighting and jockeying for position in the halls of academia sucks. It is one part resume building, and one part "look at me" as its worst. But, this is true of almost any job, really. Still, suffice it to say that academia is especially competitive. I don't always like having to be that competitive.

That may sound like the guiding philosophy of a loser, but I don't feel that way. I feel like I have a lot to offer to the table. At times, I feel like a gifted writer and teacher. I know I have something to share, contribute, and add. This wasn't my shot, but maybe that shot will come. Soon? Soonish?

Singer/songwriter Tom Petty gets at the heart of facing walls and obstacles in life in his song, "Walls," which can be heard below:

Second 8-Week English Classes

The start of my second 8-week English classes has been busy for me to say the least. I am now teaching four sections of English 111 (Think:  English 101) for two different community colleges and in three different locations, serving very different populations. Two are standard courses, with students coming to class regularly, and two are hybrid, where more work is required online.

Each class is at different points in the course, and each school wishes the class to be taught slightly different. So, although I am teaching the same course, they all feel fairly different. Still, I am learning a lot about the craft of teaching, as I scurry around to each place, trying to meet the demands of my students and my superiors. 

Here are a few of my observations:

• One English class meets everyday, so I never have to worry about leaving out something, because I know I can always get to it the next day. 
• One class meets three days a week for two hours at a time. This is a great chunk of time to work with. I try not to lecture for too long, as students can't just sit idly by for two hours. I try to break things up with group activities/discussion. Because this class is two hours long each day, we usually have plenty of time to consider the ideas we are going over through discussion time. 
• My hybrid classes meet for a shorter period each week, so the discussion must continue outside of the classroom, through online components/assignments. Keeping the discussion going online is not easy to do, and students desire to stay in the discussion varies quite a bit from student to student, even on graded material. 
• The struggle over all of these classes is to make sure that roughly the same amount of material is covered, even when the different formats and time allotted makes this difficult. 

It is said that teaching is a craft and a calling. Now that I have a few years experience under my belt, I can see this is especially true. A big part of teaching is coming up with a great plan, gathering good materials to go along with that plan, but also having the sponteneity to change the plan and go with the flow at times. Maybe this is where teaching becomes less like a craft and more like an art? There have been times in class where students get into a discussion or concept I did not plan on them enjoying so much. That is not the time to speed up, and rush to the next thing - to follow the plan. Instead, that is the time to slow down and let the students steer the discussion. I do not know specifically how that fire gets lit, but when it does, I feel good about stoking it, and making it last a bit longer. 

Sticking to the Important List!

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This year I have been thinking about ways to be more productive by spending more time doing enriching activities - i.e. the things that will make me a better person over the long haul. Thinking is the operant word here, because in some cases I have not been very successful. I guess you could say I am doing a little life-"editing" at the moment. The closer I get to 30, the more I am considering how I use and spend my precious time. Frankly, I think its important to add a little momento mori to your life to keep your focus fixed on what is important.

Making a list of important, enriching, and productive tasks is easy for me. Adhering to that list is not. A quick list of items I would like to dedicate more attention to are:

• writing/blogging
• reading (especially offline)
• listening to podcasts/audiobooks
• drinking more water/being more health-conscious
• exercising
• playing guitar

Unfortunately, much of my time gets wasted on less productive, less enriching acts:

• Watching TV/Netflix
• Vegging out online
• Shopping for the next thing online
• Playing computer games

Between these two lists, there is a major disconnect in the way I spend my time. I know the things I should be focusing on/doing, but it is a lot easier to default to the second list of entertaining distractions/diversions. These things are easier, more fun, and demand less of my attention and dedication. Ultimately, however, they do not end up making me feel like I have accomplished much. So, the task is to figure out how to devote more attention to the first, more important list. And, that is what my attention has been set on this year. I have been figuring out better habits for myself, and now I am figure out how to follow through with those better habits. 

Part of the success of better habits I think is based on having a gentle, helpful, and understanding view of the long term. For instance, I am writing/blogging more this year, but maybe not as much as I should be. Still, this is a win! I am reading more this year, but only by degrees from last year. Still, this too is a win! I read somewhere that everyone should aim to get 1% better each day. That is a small win, but over the long haul, people could see some major results. 

I am trying to live my life according to the philosophy that time is precious. In doing so, I have to take stock on how I spend my time. Really, I would just like to live life to the fullest and use my time wisely. In the end, I think this is what everyone wishes. But, let's face it, it's hard to adhere to the important list!

Musings from the fall semester

The first leg of the fall semester is nearly over and it is almost fall break. For the first eight weeks I have been teaching a developmental writing course and English 111 - a basic college composition course. My developmental writing course will end in about a week, and for the most part I think this will be a largely successful group. I don't see too many falling through the cracks. The first part of the semester has been slightly busy (at least for adjunct standards), but I'm set to be even busier the next eight weeks, as I will be picking up a couple more classes at another relatively nearby community college. 

I have been inducted into the traveling/commuting "highway warriors" and nomadic teachers brigade. My car is sad that she is losing her youthful look and is aging. It's gonna be hell on wheels for the next couple of months heading into Christmas, but I know it's going to be good experience for me, a young teacher hoping to launch some kind of career - sooner rather than later. It will be nice to compare the two schools where I work and see how they do things differently. Honestly, I'm just trying to branch out and make more connections in the hopes that something will lead to a full-time job - it is the fairytale wish of most adjuncts, who feel underpaid and under appreciated at times. I'm trying to stay humble and level-headed about everything. Glass half-empty is my default setting, but I do a good job of forcing myself to stay positive:  something will come along I tell myself. 

Lately, I've been doing an okay job of journaling, although my blogging has definitely lagged behind. Like everything else, it's difficult to find balance at times. Since the beginning of the semester I have thrown myself into my teaching. Also, I've had to track down papers and sign stuff for the college I am set to work for part-time. Of course, I had time left over, I could have been writing - but other distractions quickly filled the void. I think that is part of the problem of today's world, it's so damn entertaining and distracting. Between TV, movies, games, music, and the various platforms and mediums we are being assaulted by those items, it's hard to find a quiet time to think and write. 

I see students having these same issues in focus and attention. They often have a hard time prioritizing their time and distractions. I see this in classrooms I teach where students have computers sitting right in front of them. The urge/pull to get onto the closest distraction is strong, even though I tell them they will get so much more out of actually listening to my lecture and paying attention. I think because of the multitude of distractions, it may actually be more difficult to be a student today than in times past. Today's students have a much tougher time zoning in on what they should be doing, because there are so many more entertaining options they could be doing. 

To counteract the above in some small way, I have started showing David Foster Wallace's "This is Water" speech. In the speech he touches on things like attention, focus, and how to think critically amid today's many distractions. These are all traits that freshmen college students desperately need, not only in the writing courses I teach, but in their college experience in general. And, of course, the speech itself becomes its own exercise in attention building, as Wallace's mind is sometimes tricky to follow - he was for many a genius, and we are but mere mortals. Ultimately, I think its a good exercise in getting students to think deeply from the outset of the course.   

Success is fickle and nuanced

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As I get older, now almost 30, my views on success become more and more nuanced. As a younger man, I defined it along the shallower terms that most do: fame, fortune, power, etc. But now, I see it is not that simple. The closer I get to 30, the more I find myself questioning the role my 20s played in my development. Psychologist Meg Jay deemed the 20s the "Defining Decade" so I know those years are important, but for me, they are pretty much gone. That is sort of a sinking feeling for me. When I look back, I'm left wondering what did I really accomplish.

There are a few things I'm proud of. Goals I reached that showed my ability to persevere and see what I was made of. Among those was getting an education (Bachelors/Masters) and studying/working abroad (South Korea). Those were the big accomplishments of my 20s and took the majority of my time to achieve. As I near 30, I tend to forget about these accomplishments. They get lost in everything else I am doing, or trying to achieve. However, when I take a second to take stock of them, I have a fleeting moment where I am proud of myself. I am proud that I got an education, even though it was expensive and difficult. I am proud I took the time to travel and work in another country because it changed the way I look at the world, once and forever.

Too often, we get lost in the NEXT BIG THING. Even when you win the Superbowl or World Series, the next thing reporters ask is, "What's next?" That is endemic in our success-driven, consumer-based culture. We have to keep moving, doing, buying. I have to stop myself from falling into this same train of thought. I am old enough, perhaps wise enough, to know that the luxury car, big house, or whatever widget is probably not the key to my happiness or a hallmark of my success as an individual in society. And yet, it is difficult to break out of measuring my life along those lines.

At this juncture, I am working part-time as an adjunct instructor for a local community college. I enjoy the work and find it fulfilling most day. That is what keeps me going. I don't make a lot of money doing this, but I do believe it is important work. Still, paltry paychecks, dwindling balances, and bills can sometimes take the wind out of my sails. I sometimes feel I should be DOING MORE, WORKING HARDER, and making MORE MONEY. Why? To have more money? To buy more things? Is this success? Does this define me?

When I tell my friends and family about working as an adjunct, they all tend to see it as a pitstop onto a more lucrative career. They tend to put their value on money, and what it can buy. But for me, there is a value in teaching. When the lightbulbs are coming on, and students are engaged, it is really fun. I don't know that you can put a price tag on that, as cliche as it may sound. Still, as friends and relatives measure success in this way, it makes me feel I should do the same. I end up questioning myself, and my goals. Like, Hey, maybe they are right. I should do something else. I do need to make more money. Maybe I am not on the path to success after all? 

Part of the need and craving for success is that people want to be noticed, recognized, and valued. We all have a little need for the "Look at me!" from our past childhood. Everyone is searching for this to some degree. And, getting others to notice is becoming a more and more shallow goal is today's world where everyone is more self-centered and self-absorbed. At any given moment, our attention is only going to fall on any one thing for a second or two, and then its on to the NEXT thing. The reporters keep asking, "What's next?" 

So, is there a silver bullet for all this malaise, ennui associated with the almost-30 blues? Probably not. Or, at least I haven't found it yet. But the one thing I have found is that in American society today we tend to define each other along classist lines. We define each other in objects, things, money, occupations. We don't try to understand each other through what we think, believe in, or value. Because of this, people often walk away from each other at dinner parties with very shallow views.

We are each grouping one another into an appropriate cubby and class. As such, I'm not very interesting at dinner parties. Yes, I'm a teacher. Yes, I'm poor x ad nauseam.  Now put me into my cubby thanks! Also, what I've learned is that success is not defined by what you can buy, or the recognition you receive from what you do. I try to fight the urge for the "Look at me!" which everyone craves these days. After all, as General Patton once said, "All glory is fleeting." 

When do you feel like a writer?

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Some days, I'm not sure I'm much of a writer. My productivity is low lately. Putting word after word is difficult for me. The process of writing is not an easy one. At work, teaching at a local community college, I spend my days talking about how to make the writing process easier, but lets face it, it never truly becomes easy. At least in my case, once I start writing, the thoughts begin to flow. But, that initial sitting down to write is difficult. In today's world, there are so many things vying for attention - all the myriad distractions. So many things exist to divert our attention, while writing challenges us to channel our attention and thoughts. On a daily basis, I make excuses to stay in the world of diversion, mostly because it is easier.

I started this year hoping to write more in my spare time. I have been successful, but only by degrees. I thought I would spend more time writing short stories to fill my time, but have only had starts and stops in that regard. Where I have had some success is in finding time to gather my thoughts/feelings and chronicle my days in journal form. For me, journaling helps to empty my mind, clear a sometimes heavy heart - it's a catharsis more than anything. I don't write for long, and I don't write everyday, but when the spirit moves (perhaps, few times weekly), I try to put pen to page, and sort through the issues of my day.

Feeling like a writer is something that most writers struggle with. Some love the old platitude, "If you write, then you're a writer," but we know the heart of the matter is much more complex. As a younger man (college days and before), I desperately clung to the idea of myself as a writer. I was a writer. Or at any rate, I would one day be a writer. I could see introducing myself at dinner parties, perhaps with an air of pretension in my voice, "I am a writer." However, as I have matured, I know that the identity of writer is a heavy mantle to assume.

Even when I wrote for two Podunk weekly newspapers and book reviews for a small metro daily, I still didn't feel like a writer. A check came with my name on it. I was paid for my writing. By all standards, this should have been the moment I declared myself a writer. And, yet, that moment never came. For too many writers, I think writing is there to fill some void in the self. You may not even know you are filling it. But it is there. It needs to be filled. It could be the thirst for attention, notoriety , or the father-son projects you never had, but you need it for a reason.

As I have grown up, and matured, I realize that writing is less about how you associate with the identity, and more about how you associate with the process. Writing is an important process to me. There is a hunger to take part in that process. If that makes me a writer, that's all well and good, but assuming that identity and bolstering my sense of self is not what keeps me up at night. Maybe the platitude should be changed to, "When you write, you're writing." Break it down into almost Cartesian terms, and put the focus on the process.

I know I'm just riffing on an idea here. I know I'm not the first to go woe-is-me on writer's block. Folks probably suffered from writer's block even when they were writing on blocks. I'm just trying to make sense of my own little corner of the world, and writing this helped.

Spring semester rolls by

This has been an interesting year so far. I have been lucky to continue gaining some teaching experience at the local community college where I work. Last year, in the fall, I got my first shot at teaching English 111 (basically English 101). This was my first true teaching experience at the college level, although I had done some assistant teaching before. At any rate, my fall teaching debut was a success, and I was asked to teach some more in the spring, which I happily accepted.

For the first 8 weeks of this spring, I was teaching a developmental reading/writing class. Now, in the last 8 weeks, I am teaching English 111, again. The first 8 weeks went well, but only about half the students who entered my class passed. This is not so much a reflection of my teaching, as much as it is the unfortunate batting average of developmental classes. Students in developmental classes are typically starting college for the first time and many are simply not ready for the rigors of college coursework. As such, a handful drop off the map over the course of the short, 8 week semester.

I will be teaching developmental reading/writing in the summer (two courses of DRE 097) and I hope to improve on my average. One thing I am trying to do in my teaching as of late is try to pinpoint the moment when students begin having trouble, and try to pull them aside for a heart-to-heart. One such case this semester was a student that had a rocky start to the semester. She had been in and out of court (reasons unknown), missed some classes/assignments, and found herself with a grade of 45 to start the semester.

I pulled her aside and gave her a chance to tell me what was going on. Then, we came up with a plan to get her back on track. Normally, I don't accept late work, and most sob stories (I've heard my share) have little to no effect on me. But, in her case, she seemed genuine in wanting to get back on track. I put the ball in her court. She had a will, and came up with the way. She turned in a few missed assignments (with points counted off for lateness) and now she is passing with a 70. Not exactly a grade to put on the fridge, but it is hopeful for her.

Without stepping in and asking what the problem was, I believe she would have sat in the back of the class, slowing giving up, and waiting to fail. Students don't always want to step up to ask for help, or understanding. At least in this case, I felt that she deserved some understanding. That was up to my discretion as a teacher. Now, only time will tell if she will pass my course, but she knows that it's in her hands. It's up to her.

For the most part, this semester has rolled by pretty smoothly. Just a few short weeks until the semester is over, and I'll get a couple of weeks' reprieve before summer session starts. I'm looking forward to getting that break. I enjoy the new challenges that teaching brings everyday, but these short breaks are a great time to recharge my mental energies. As of right now, I have nothing special planned, but I am working on it.

Home repairs, teaching, and more!

I must apologize for not posting on here more often (especially now that I know I have at least one reader, hah!). The second week of March, I was on a one-week spring break from the community college where I work. For the most part, my break was restorative, rejuvenating. But my week of relaxation faded into some hellish bathroom repairs on my girlfriend's grandfather's nearly 100-year old house, where we live now.

What we thought would be a simple toilet installation at the start of the week, eventually brought me from the floor joists and bowels of the house, repairs to the subfloor, and all the way back up to the new vinyl floor we put down. In the process, the learned I am not much of a handy man, so over the course of the week, I learned how to use like every power tool. Ever. The repairs would not have even been possible without the gracious support of my neighbor and friend, Pat, and my housemate's dad, both of who worked tirelessly to help me.

All the while, I was starting to teach my second 8-week English 101 course. I had good materials ready to go, I was more than ready to get back to teaching, but for most of the week, I just felt like I was hanging on, and trying to survive the week. At the same time, my cc-sponsored online class on how to teach online is winding down (just a couple of weeks to go), and I had homework in there during the week. That is why I just tied a knot at the end of my rope and just held on. It wasn't easy to be working on home repairs until midnight one day, and then be back up at 7:30 a.m. the next morning to get to work to do some planning and finally teach my class.

I'm not making excuses, but needless to say, all of the aforementioned left me feeling drained creatively, not to mention physically. Ergo, no blog posts.

My stint in carpentry/plumbing this past week further instilled my deep respect for anyone that does manual labor on a daily basis. You guys/gals are fighting the good fight. You are the doers and makers. Most days, I am lucky to get by on simply using my brain to make my living. My brain is still my strongest muscle, so teaching/learning suits me. I know this is NOT mining work, construction, etc. I know more about the Mines of Moria, than I do about any actual mines (Tolkien reference)!

I'll hope for now that my home repairs will give me a rest for awhile, so I can get back to following my creative passions and pursuits, which includes posting more here.

Reaching Enlightenment in Kipling's "Kim"

Penguin Classics Edition of Kipling's Kim
Image from Amazon.com

I recently muscled my way through a classic that alluded me through graduate school.

When I first read, rather tried to read, Rudyard Kipling's Kim in graduate school I felt I had met my match. Although this was the book that was widely considered to be Kipling's masterpiece I couldn't believe it at the time.

I found that Kipling's book of high adventure during the height of British power in India to be a dull, prodding affair, especially in the earlier chapters. I found myself in the same position as Kim, the young title character, and his lama (read: not llama), looking for enlightenment in some way.

When I was in grad school, I read enough criticism, did enough background research, and read enough of the book to write a decent response essay highlighting the main ideas and themes behind the book. I managed my way through my class discussion. And yet, after all this, I knew I had not conquered Kipling's book.

Part of what turned me off of Kipling's book initially was the fact that the author has been trailed in history by a somewhat morally reprehensible past, that is inescapable, but not always helpful in judging a work of literature, initially. My only familiarity with Kipling in grad school came from having earlier read his poem, "The White Man's Burden," which smacked of all kinds of racism, cultural dominance, and Social Darwinism. Not exactly admirable traits in a writer.

Kipling, a writer not without edges.
Image from theguardian.com

And, yet, through it all, Kipling remains a towering giant of English literature.  Why? The answer to that question alluded me until a couple of nights ago when I finished Kim. Personal, social, and moral shortcomings aside, Kipling's writing has an endearing, enduring quality, which remains largely untarnished by time and criticism.

Edward Said, author of Orientalism, had a scathing view of Kipling's Kim at the end of the book. In Said essay, he highlights all the ills of British Colonialism in India. Boiled down in essence, Said posits the British citizens believed they were destined and entitled to rule, and as such, believed they were better than all races, including Indians.

This was the world in which Kipling penned Kim, the story of a young, orphaned British boy who goes on a quest with a lama to find a sacred river in the northern reaches of India. The lama believes that finding the river is essential in reaching his enlightenment. The boy simply wants adventure. At times Kim believes the old man's quest to find the sacred river a little crazy, but follows nonetheless, partly born out of a sense of deep compassion and respect for the withered spiritualist. It is here that Kipling's powers as a writer shine through.

Apart from the undertones of racism (on all sides) that run through the book, Kipling's message, story, quest, etc. has a lot heart and remains timeless. That timeless nature is evident is the book, where the lama tells the boy that life is like a "Wheel" that goes around and around. Enlightenment releases you from the wheel, but only for those wise enough to find it. A late scene in the book has Kim coming face to face with a woman who lost her son, an irony not lost on the reader, since the boy lost his parents. This is a great example of the wheel coming to play in the story, as both philosophy and motif. Pain, desire, struggles, loss, and happiness are all part of the "Wheel" and are part of life.

At the books end, the two find the river, and the lama beckons Kim to join him in his enlightenment. The book ends in a somewhat obscure, open-ended manner. Kim doesn't really believe in the concept of enlightenment, but the lama says, "Come!" and join him, as if enlightenment is his for the taking. He need only walk the path.

By the novel's end, I'm not sure if I fully reached enlightenment, but I definitely feel I have a deeper appreciation and understanding for Kipling's work.

Life Beyond the Red Pen

Image from Clipartpanda.com

Grading is not my favorite part about teaching (is it anyone's?). I really enjoy engaging students with new material, throwing ideas at them, and watching the lightbulbs come on. Seeing a student's improvement in writing over the course of a semester is very fulfilling.

But, every few weeks or so, I have to put on my other "cap" as grader. I guess some teachers relish getting out the red pens (slowly going the way of the buffalo in today's technology-driven culture, really I use Turnitin.com) and marking up student papers with gusto. I do not relish the task, but I do understand the importance of the task.

Giving a grade in writing is no small task. Where in math there may only be one answer, and that eases the burden of grading, writing is totally different. It's often not easy to weight out a students idea, or essay, and say how it measures up. Case in point, recently I received a well-written essay, but it totally ignored the prompt and the style of essay we were examining at the time. Here, clearly the student missed the mark of the assignment, and yet, good quality writing prevailed. Unfortunately, I had to dock the student several points for this.

Some might be comfortable in this role of grand arbiter of taste, judgment, and the RED PEN, but lets face it, it's not an easy role.

Over the course of a semester, as a teacher of college composition, you face lots of these little judgments along the way. Decisions and decisions. Rinse, wash, repeat. With this in mind, it's common to start second guessing yourself in the grading process. Did I judge this student's work too harshly? Or, Was I not harsh enough? 

See, writing is not an exact science. It is not something that teachers can look at in a completely objective manner. It is a craft, can be an art, and at the end of the day, it remains largely subjective. 

Which brings us back full circle to the sometimes painful process of grading. Sure, with my experience in writing, I have learned to recognize the full spectrum of bland, good, and great writing. Along with plagiarism, poor citations, and other ills that come with the territory. But, when it comes to grading students responses, stamping a tough grade on a student's paper sometimes feels like a chore. A poor grade can challenge a student to hone his or her craft, rise to the occasion on the next assignment, etc., but it can also be the death knell of the student's ambition to write, especially for students that may lack the confidence to continue through a setback.

I think more times than not, I err on the side being a little soft in my grading. Some seasoned, hardened teachers might see this as a setback, but I try to be encouraging and supportive in my feedback to students' papers. They need the support to continue on in the craft that really has no end point. One will be honing his or her writing skills throughout life. They need to be shown that it is possible for them to improve. And, students need feedback to be shown how to get there - this comes by the measured hand of constructive criticism. Too much, and the student shuts down. Just enough, and well that is where you begin to see students stick with the process and improve.

Obligatory first post post

I'm creating this blog in an attempt to make good on one of my New Year's resolutions, and that is to write more. For the past two years, my dedication to my own writing has fallen by the wayside. A couple of years ago, I was hired to work as a sports reporter for a small-town community newspaper. A lot of cold nights and cold dinners left me with little desire to write in the evenings, after filing my late-night stories/website updates. I don't even remember when my last journal entry was. 

Now, for the past year or so I have been teaching and tutoring writing (English) at a local community college. While I find that much more fulfilling than my pervious position as a sports reporter (heck, I didn't like sports), I haven't found much time to write. But, that doesn't mean that I didn't have time to write. It just means that I have made a lot of really good excuses for not writing:  read that as procrastination. That's not something I'm proud of, but it is the truth. 

The better part of the past two years I've spent vegging out online - reading blogs, instead of creating. Why? Well, for starters, it's way easier to absorb and digest, than to think and create. And, that's where I've pretty much been stuck...for two years. 

Sure, I had I few starts and stops on some blogs in the past several months, but for the most part those have tended to be more on the stop side of the spectrum. It's not something I'm proud of, but I'm being frank here. 

At this point, I'm not sure what exactly this blog will be, but I'm envisioning it as some kind of catch all for my wayward and passing thoughts through the week. I have really awesome ideas for my writing, teaching, etc. through the week that fade in and out of my consciousness without ever making it into the world of reality that we all share. This blog is going to challenge me to at least catch some of those ideas to make use of at a later date. I don't consider myself to be a terribly creative person, but I think everyone is blessed with some creativity in one way or another. What we do with that creativity is up to us.