In the Head and Being thankful

Image from Wikimedia Commons

Lately, I have been second-guessing myself as a teacher. Each semester starts out with a lot joy and optimism of what is ahead, and then towards the end, it becomes more like a dark night of the soul kind of moment. I think this has to do with the part-time, adjunct status I have at each of the schools I teach at. There is a lot of insecurity, questions, variables, and un-answerables that I have to get comfortable with. Even though I think I do a good job with the classes I teach (freshman comp), I never know how long I will be teaching. I never know if this semester will be the semester I don't get called back to teach.

Now luckily, here at the end of November, I do know the answer to that question, as I have been asked back to teach at both schools. But, there were several weeks there where I was just sitting with that uncertainty. Not know if there was going to be enough money in my future to pay the bills. That feeling washes over you, it absorbs you, and ends up making you feel insecure about your yourself, your life, and your abilities. This really is the ugly side of adjunct teaching. Sure, it's cheaper for the school to hire adjuncts, without a doubt, but this assembly-line system we've created has reduced many talented teachers to second class citizens. I find myself among them. 

Bitching comes easy for me, so I'll try to limit myself here. I tend to default to the "glass half empty" philosophy, therefore I constantly have to remind myself of the good that exists in the world, too. Gratitude and positive thinking usually get me back on firmer footing. I am happy to have a job. I am happy to get to teach/talk about a subject I love:  Writing. I know not everyone has this luxury, or opportunity. 

In the world that has everything, with people constantly in search of more, more, more (Moah, moah, moah, if you're Billy Idol), gratitude is the hardest position to maintain. This is especially evident at Thanksgiving, when shortly after the turkey is carved many head out to the stores to fill their carts with the more, more, more. These folks have a difficult time being grateful with what they have, and who they are sharing it with. Gratitude is hard for me, too, but I work at it. 

Before Thanksgiving I was stuck in my head, thinking about my own worries and problems to deal with. Some problems real, some imagined. Thankfully (see, gratitude is happening as we speak), I got out of my own head space long enough to enjoy the damn holiday. It was a good time that I shared with my girlfriend and her family (my folks were away in Tennessee).

My girlfriend's grandmother was here, too. Alzheimer's has taken almost all her memory. She didn't recognize anyone, so she had to meet folks she had known for years like it was the first time again. Very sad, indeed. Her memories were now living in those around her. We were remembering for her. Sitting at the table, eating her meal in a strange place with strangers all around, I wondered what she must have been thankful for? Was she thankful that after all was lost and forgotten within herself that she had other around her who loved, cared, and remembered her? 

I can't say for sure, but I would say she was grateful. It is good to be remembered, especially when you don't remember yourself. Again, the brain's ability to think and perceive is something I am thankful for on a daily basis. There is nothing about these processes that is guaranteed and they don't last forever.

Musings from the fall semester

The first leg of the fall semester is nearly over and it is almost fall break. For the first eight weeks I have been teaching a developmental writing course and English 111 - a basic college composition course. My developmental writing course will end in about a week, and for the most part I think this will be a largely successful group. I don't see too many falling through the cracks. The first part of the semester has been slightly busy (at least for adjunct standards), but I'm set to be even busier the next eight weeks, as I will be picking up a couple more classes at another relatively nearby community college. 

I have been inducted into the traveling/commuting "highway warriors" and nomadic teachers brigade. My car is sad that she is losing her youthful look and is aging. It's gonna be hell on wheels for the next couple of months heading into Christmas, but I know it's going to be good experience for me, a young teacher hoping to launch some kind of career - sooner rather than later. It will be nice to compare the two schools where I work and see how they do things differently. Honestly, I'm just trying to branch out and make more connections in the hopes that something will lead to a full-time job - it is the fairytale wish of most adjuncts, who feel underpaid and under appreciated at times. I'm trying to stay humble and level-headed about everything. Glass half-empty is my default setting, but I do a good job of forcing myself to stay positive:  something will come along I tell myself. 

Lately, I've been doing an okay job of journaling, although my blogging has definitely lagged behind. Like everything else, it's difficult to find balance at times. Since the beginning of the semester I have thrown myself into my teaching. Also, I've had to track down papers and sign stuff for the college I am set to work for part-time. Of course, I had time left over, I could have been writing - but other distractions quickly filled the void. I think that is part of the problem of today's world, it's so damn entertaining and distracting. Between TV, movies, games, music, and the various platforms and mediums we are being assaulted by those items, it's hard to find a quiet time to think and write. 

I see students having these same issues in focus and attention. They often have a hard time prioritizing their time and distractions. I see this in classrooms I teach where students have computers sitting right in front of them. The urge/pull to get onto the closest distraction is strong, even though I tell them they will get so much more out of actually listening to my lecture and paying attention. I think because of the multitude of distractions, it may actually be more difficult to be a student today than in times past. Today's students have a much tougher time zoning in on what they should be doing, because there are so many more entertaining options they could be doing. 

To counteract the above in some small way, I have started showing David Foster Wallace's "This is Water" speech. In the speech he touches on things like attention, focus, and how to think critically amid today's many distractions. These are all traits that freshmen college students desperately need, not only in the writing courses I teach, but in their college experience in general. And, of course, the speech itself becomes its own exercise in attention building, as Wallace's mind is sometimes tricky to follow - he was for many a genius, and we are but mere mortals. Ultimately, I think its a good exercise in getting students to think deeply from the outset of the course.