Sorting out the Big Questions

Image from Wikimedia Commons

Lately, I have been feeling like I have just lost inspiration, motivation, passion, etc. to figure out any kind of plan for the future. I have trouble figuring out what I want in life right now, and I'm having trouble figuring out the next chapter of my life. Now part of this I'm okay with, I pride myself in being patient, and being able to go with the flow at times. However, too much Zen and flow means that life could pass you by. Maybe that's not the end of the world though? Buddhists have a saying that runs something like this: 

"If you just sit under a tree and wait, eventually the world will come to you." 

I'm not going to pretend I know exactly what that means, but at different times in my life I thought it made a lot of sense. Still, most folks like to have some notion that they are the guiding masters of their own fate. I know I do, even if at times I feel like there is a greater force guiding us - fill in the blank for you - God, Fate, Universe, etc. We don't want to wait for the world to come to us, we want to see it all, and be a part of it all.

Recent days have seen me trying to sort out and find some answers to some of the big questions of young adult life. Things like, where do I want my career to go? Am I doing what I love? Where do I want to live? Am I with the person I should be with? These are the BIG ones. No easy answers to these. Even with constant thought and attention, the solutions to these big questions come slowly and quietly, like light creeping through a veil. 

The end of each year can hit me hard (autumn, heading into winter). The shorter, colder days give way to introspection for me. It's like I become a detective searching out my own shortcomings, gaps, flaws, holes. Like an old puzzle, I look for the piece that's missing. The one that isn't there. I think a lot of people do this around this time of year, but probably can't admit to it. It's easier to jump on the roller coaster of consumerism and the holidays to ride out the year, than to fight the ennui, or to sort through these feelings.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, suffice it to say, I'm going through a sort of dark night of the soul moment, and I know it will pass soon - especially if I can find some answers to my big questions soon. 

Not everyone is so introspective and has trouble with big decisions and the like. I'm always struck by how easily solutions come to some folks. Some are just better equipped to take things in stride with a little more grace. Case in point, my best friend, who is getting married next year, is definitely trying to find out some big questions now. Chiefly, he and fiancé are house hunting. They have to sort through things like, where to live? How much to spend? What requirements are we looking for in a home?

Anytime I do any searching like this, usually just for giggles, it starts to stress me out. This is me. My friend on the other hand doesn't get too bogged down, and that is admirable. At times, I wish I could be more like this. Unfortunately, I tend to look at the world in terms of the myriad, infinite possibilities, and this is not always helpful, nor does it really lead to better decisions. At any given time, if you have a few workable ideas/solutions, well, that's usually more than enough. Make decision. Orient yourself. Make changes. Move on. Easier said than done. Hey, I'm a work in progress folks. 

The Purpose of "Brick Walls"

 

“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.” -Randy Pausch

The above quote is one I read in the late Randy Pausch's book The Last Lecture a few years ago, and it is something that has stuck with me. Especially here recently, this quote has bubbled back to the surface of my consciousness, as I was gearing up for an opportunity that I thought was going to pan out, and then ended up not.

That opportunity was for a full-time position at the college where I teach. I was hoping, even expecting, to get an interview for the position. Anyone who has had the (dis)pleasure of searching for full-time work in academia knows how tough it can be at times. My current place of employment (one of them) has not had an open full-time position in years. So, not getting a chance at an interview feels like a serious blow - a "brick wall" for sure. 

Over the past few days, I have been working my way through the five stages of grieving:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Now I am somewhere lodged in a sort of hybrid stage, like angry acceptance, but hey, I am working my way through this brick wall, brick by brick. I know that competition for this position for probably exceptionally keen, as a lot of folks were standing in line for this opportunity. A colleague of mine who applied had a decade, or more, of experience teaching, while I only have a handful of teaching years under my belt. I guess I still have some more due-paying years ahead.

I am trying to stay positive in this process, but it is hard. I can't help but feel that not getting at least an interview is a shortcoming on my end. Some gap, or hole in my personality, or teaching style. Although, I recently had a favorable class visit from the dean, this didn't seem to help my prospects.

I tried for a dream, and that dream fell flat on its face. That doesn't mean that its time to stop dreaming, although that is certainly how things feel now. 

Ultimately, the worst part of these brick walls are the fact that they end up making you doubt yourself so much. Like, okay, maybe the wall is here for a reason? Am I a good enough teacher? Do I do enough for my students? Maybe I am not meant for this field? What's wrong with me?! It's a slippery slope. A very unhelpful slippery slope. 

So far, the competitive field of college teaching is sort of the antithesis of my personality. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the teaching, and I love connecting with students, and sharing my knowledge and experience, but fighting and jockeying for position in the halls of academia sucks. It is one part resume building, and one part "look at me" as its worst. But, this is true of almost any job, really. Still, suffice it to say that academia is especially competitive. I don't always like having to be that competitive.

That may sound like the guiding philosophy of a loser, but I don't feel that way. I feel like I have a lot to offer to the table. At times, I feel like a gifted writer and teacher. I know I have something to share, contribute, and add. This wasn't my shot, but maybe that shot will come. Soon? Soonish?

Singer/songwriter Tom Petty gets at the heart of facing walls and obstacles in life in his song, "Walls," which can be heard below:

Success is fickle and nuanced

Image from Wikipedia Creative Commons

As I get older, now almost 30, my views on success become more and more nuanced. As a younger man, I defined it along the shallower terms that most do: fame, fortune, power, etc. But now, I see it is not that simple. The closer I get to 30, the more I find myself questioning the role my 20s played in my development. Psychologist Meg Jay deemed the 20s the "Defining Decade" so I know those years are important, but for me, they are pretty much gone. That is sort of a sinking feeling for me. When I look back, I'm left wondering what did I really accomplish.

There are a few things I'm proud of. Goals I reached that showed my ability to persevere and see what I was made of. Among those was getting an education (Bachelors/Masters) and studying/working abroad (South Korea). Those were the big accomplishments of my 20s and took the majority of my time to achieve. As I near 30, I tend to forget about these accomplishments. They get lost in everything else I am doing, or trying to achieve. However, when I take a second to take stock of them, I have a fleeting moment where I am proud of myself. I am proud that I got an education, even though it was expensive and difficult. I am proud I took the time to travel and work in another country because it changed the way I look at the world, once and forever.

Too often, we get lost in the NEXT BIG THING. Even when you win the Superbowl or World Series, the next thing reporters ask is, "What's next?" That is endemic in our success-driven, consumer-based culture. We have to keep moving, doing, buying. I have to stop myself from falling into this same train of thought. I am old enough, perhaps wise enough, to know that the luxury car, big house, or whatever widget is probably not the key to my happiness or a hallmark of my success as an individual in society. And yet, it is difficult to break out of measuring my life along those lines.

At this juncture, I am working part-time as an adjunct instructor for a local community college. I enjoy the work and find it fulfilling most day. That is what keeps me going. I don't make a lot of money doing this, but I do believe it is important work. Still, paltry paychecks, dwindling balances, and bills can sometimes take the wind out of my sails. I sometimes feel I should be DOING MORE, WORKING HARDER, and making MORE MONEY. Why? To have more money? To buy more things? Is this success? Does this define me?

When I tell my friends and family about working as an adjunct, they all tend to see it as a pitstop onto a more lucrative career. They tend to put their value on money, and what it can buy. But for me, there is a value in teaching. When the lightbulbs are coming on, and students are engaged, it is really fun. I don't know that you can put a price tag on that, as cliche as it may sound. Still, as friends and relatives measure success in this way, it makes me feel I should do the same. I end up questioning myself, and my goals. Like, Hey, maybe they are right. I should do something else. I do need to make more money. Maybe I am not on the path to success after all? 

Part of the need and craving for success is that people want to be noticed, recognized, and valued. We all have a little need for the "Look at me!" from our past childhood. Everyone is searching for this to some degree. And, getting others to notice is becoming a more and more shallow goal is today's world where everyone is more self-centered and self-absorbed. At any given moment, our attention is only going to fall on any one thing for a second or two, and then its on to the NEXT thing. The reporters keep asking, "What's next?" 

So, is there a silver bullet for all this malaise, ennui associated with the almost-30 blues? Probably not. Or, at least I haven't found it yet. But the one thing I have found is that in American society today we tend to define each other along classist lines. We define each other in objects, things, money, occupations. We don't try to understand each other through what we think, believe in, or value. Because of this, people often walk away from each other at dinner parties with very shallow views.

We are each grouping one another into an appropriate cubby and class. As such, I'm not very interesting at dinner parties. Yes, I'm a teacher. Yes, I'm poor x ad nauseam.  Now put me into my cubby thanks! Also, what I've learned is that success is not defined by what you can buy, or the recognition you receive from what you do. I try to fight the urge for the "Look at me!" which everyone craves these days. After all, as General Patton once said, "All glory is fleeting."