In the Head and Being thankful

Image from Wikimedia Commons

Lately, I have been second-guessing myself as a teacher. Each semester starts out with a lot joy and optimism of what is ahead, and then towards the end, it becomes more like a dark night of the soul kind of moment. I think this has to do with the part-time, adjunct status I have at each of the schools I teach at. There is a lot of insecurity, questions, variables, and un-answerables that I have to get comfortable with. Even though I think I do a good job with the classes I teach (freshman comp), I never know how long I will be teaching. I never know if this semester will be the semester I don't get called back to teach.

Now luckily, here at the end of November, I do know the answer to that question, as I have been asked back to teach at both schools. But, there were several weeks there where I was just sitting with that uncertainty. Not know if there was going to be enough money in my future to pay the bills. That feeling washes over you, it absorbs you, and ends up making you feel insecure about your yourself, your life, and your abilities. This really is the ugly side of adjunct teaching. Sure, it's cheaper for the school to hire adjuncts, without a doubt, but this assembly-line system we've created has reduced many talented teachers to second class citizens. I find myself among them. 

Bitching comes easy for me, so I'll try to limit myself here. I tend to default to the "glass half empty" philosophy, therefore I constantly have to remind myself of the good that exists in the world, too. Gratitude and positive thinking usually get me back on firmer footing. I am happy to have a job. I am happy to get to teach/talk about a subject I love:  Writing. I know not everyone has this luxury, or opportunity. 

In the world that has everything, with people constantly in search of more, more, more (Moah, moah, moah, if you're Billy Idol), gratitude is the hardest position to maintain. This is especially evident at Thanksgiving, when shortly after the turkey is carved many head out to the stores to fill their carts with the more, more, more. These folks have a difficult time being grateful with what they have, and who they are sharing it with. Gratitude is hard for me, too, but I work at it. 

Before Thanksgiving I was stuck in my head, thinking about my own worries and problems to deal with. Some problems real, some imagined. Thankfully (see, gratitude is happening as we speak), I got out of my own head space long enough to enjoy the damn holiday. It was a good time that I shared with my girlfriend and her family (my folks were away in Tennessee).

My girlfriend's grandmother was here, too. Alzheimer's has taken almost all her memory. She didn't recognize anyone, so she had to meet folks she had known for years like it was the first time again. Very sad, indeed. Her memories were now living in those around her. We were remembering for her. Sitting at the table, eating her meal in a strange place with strangers all around, I wondered what she must have been thankful for? Was she thankful that after all was lost and forgotten within herself that she had other around her who loved, cared, and remembered her? 

I can't say for sure, but I would say she was grateful. It is good to be remembered, especially when you don't remember yourself. Again, the brain's ability to think and perceive is something I am thankful for on a daily basis. There is nothing about these processes that is guaranteed and they don't last forever.