In the Head and Being thankful

Image from Wikimedia Commons

Lately, I have been second-guessing myself as a teacher. Each semester starts out with a lot joy and optimism of what is ahead, and then towards the end, it becomes more like a dark night of the soul kind of moment. I think this has to do with the part-time, adjunct status I have at each of the schools I teach at. There is a lot of insecurity, questions, variables, and un-answerables that I have to get comfortable with. Even though I think I do a good job with the classes I teach (freshman comp), I never know how long I will be teaching. I never know if this semester will be the semester I don't get called back to teach.

Now luckily, here at the end of November, I do know the answer to that question, as I have been asked back to teach at both schools. But, there were several weeks there where I was just sitting with that uncertainty. Not know if there was going to be enough money in my future to pay the bills. That feeling washes over you, it absorbs you, and ends up making you feel insecure about your yourself, your life, and your abilities. This really is the ugly side of adjunct teaching. Sure, it's cheaper for the school to hire adjuncts, without a doubt, but this assembly-line system we've created has reduced many talented teachers to second class citizens. I find myself among them. 

Bitching comes easy for me, so I'll try to limit myself here. I tend to default to the "glass half empty" philosophy, therefore I constantly have to remind myself of the good that exists in the world, too. Gratitude and positive thinking usually get me back on firmer footing. I am happy to have a job. I am happy to get to teach/talk about a subject I love:  Writing. I know not everyone has this luxury, or opportunity. 

In the world that has everything, with people constantly in search of more, more, more (Moah, moah, moah, if you're Billy Idol), gratitude is the hardest position to maintain. This is especially evident at Thanksgiving, when shortly after the turkey is carved many head out to the stores to fill their carts with the more, more, more. These folks have a difficult time being grateful with what they have, and who they are sharing it with. Gratitude is hard for me, too, but I work at it. 

Before Thanksgiving I was stuck in my head, thinking about my own worries and problems to deal with. Some problems real, some imagined. Thankfully (see, gratitude is happening as we speak), I got out of my own head space long enough to enjoy the damn holiday. It was a good time that I shared with my girlfriend and her family (my folks were away in Tennessee).

My girlfriend's grandmother was here, too. Alzheimer's has taken almost all her memory. She didn't recognize anyone, so she had to meet folks she had known for years like it was the first time again. Very sad, indeed. Her memories were now living in those around her. We were remembering for her. Sitting at the table, eating her meal in a strange place with strangers all around, I wondered what she must have been thankful for? Was she thankful that after all was lost and forgotten within herself that she had other around her who loved, cared, and remembered her? 

I can't say for sure, but I would say she was grateful. It is good to be remembered, especially when you don't remember yourself. Again, the brain's ability to think and perceive is something I am thankful for on a daily basis. There is nothing about these processes that is guaranteed and they don't last forever.

Sorting out the Big Questions

Image from Wikimedia Commons

Lately, I have been feeling like I have just lost inspiration, motivation, passion, etc. to figure out any kind of plan for the future. I have trouble figuring out what I want in life right now, and I'm having trouble figuring out the next chapter of my life. Now part of this I'm okay with, I pride myself in being patient, and being able to go with the flow at times. However, too much Zen and flow means that life could pass you by. Maybe that's not the end of the world though? Buddhists have a saying that runs something like this: 

"If you just sit under a tree and wait, eventually the world will come to you." 

I'm not going to pretend I know exactly what that means, but at different times in my life I thought it made a lot of sense. Still, most folks like to have some notion that they are the guiding masters of their own fate. I know I do, even if at times I feel like there is a greater force guiding us - fill in the blank for you - God, Fate, Universe, etc. We don't want to wait for the world to come to us, we want to see it all, and be a part of it all.

Recent days have seen me trying to sort out and find some answers to some of the big questions of young adult life. Things like, where do I want my career to go? Am I doing what I love? Where do I want to live? Am I with the person I should be with? These are the BIG ones. No easy answers to these. Even with constant thought and attention, the solutions to these big questions come slowly and quietly, like light creeping through a veil. 

The end of each year can hit me hard (autumn, heading into winter). The shorter, colder days give way to introspection for me. It's like I become a detective searching out my own shortcomings, gaps, flaws, holes. Like an old puzzle, I look for the piece that's missing. The one that isn't there. I think a lot of people do this around this time of year, but probably can't admit to it. It's easier to jump on the roller coaster of consumerism and the holidays to ride out the year, than to fight the ennui, or to sort through these feelings.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, suffice it to say, I'm going through a sort of dark night of the soul moment, and I know it will pass soon - especially if I can find some answers to my big questions soon. 

Not everyone is so introspective and has trouble with big decisions and the like. I'm always struck by how easily solutions come to some folks. Some are just better equipped to take things in stride with a little more grace. Case in point, my best friend, who is getting married next year, is definitely trying to find out some big questions now. Chiefly, he and fiancé are house hunting. They have to sort through things like, where to live? How much to spend? What requirements are we looking for in a home?

Anytime I do any searching like this, usually just for giggles, it starts to stress me out. This is me. My friend on the other hand doesn't get too bogged down, and that is admirable. At times, I wish I could be more like this. Unfortunately, I tend to look at the world in terms of the myriad, infinite possibilities, and this is not always helpful, nor does it really lead to better decisions. At any given time, if you have a few workable ideas/solutions, well, that's usually more than enough. Make decision. Orient yourself. Make changes. Move on. Easier said than done. Hey, I'm a work in progress folks. 

The Purpose of "Brick Walls"

 

“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.” -Randy Pausch

The above quote is one I read in the late Randy Pausch's book The Last Lecture a few years ago, and it is something that has stuck with me. Especially here recently, this quote has bubbled back to the surface of my consciousness, as I was gearing up for an opportunity that I thought was going to pan out, and then ended up not.

That opportunity was for a full-time position at the college where I teach. I was hoping, even expecting, to get an interview for the position. Anyone who has had the (dis)pleasure of searching for full-time work in academia knows how tough it can be at times. My current place of employment (one of them) has not had an open full-time position in years. So, not getting a chance at an interview feels like a serious blow - a "brick wall" for sure. 

Over the past few days, I have been working my way through the five stages of grieving:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Now I am somewhere lodged in a sort of hybrid stage, like angry acceptance, but hey, I am working my way through this brick wall, brick by brick. I know that competition for this position for probably exceptionally keen, as a lot of folks were standing in line for this opportunity. A colleague of mine who applied had a decade, or more, of experience teaching, while I only have a handful of teaching years under my belt. I guess I still have some more due-paying years ahead.

I am trying to stay positive in this process, but it is hard. I can't help but feel that not getting at least an interview is a shortcoming on my end. Some gap, or hole in my personality, or teaching style. Although, I recently had a favorable class visit from the dean, this didn't seem to help my prospects.

I tried for a dream, and that dream fell flat on its face. That doesn't mean that its time to stop dreaming, although that is certainly how things feel now. 

Ultimately, the worst part of these brick walls are the fact that they end up making you doubt yourself so much. Like, okay, maybe the wall is here for a reason? Am I a good enough teacher? Do I do enough for my students? Maybe I am not meant for this field? What's wrong with me?! It's a slippery slope. A very unhelpful slippery slope. 

So far, the competitive field of college teaching is sort of the antithesis of my personality. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the teaching, and I love connecting with students, and sharing my knowledge and experience, but fighting and jockeying for position in the halls of academia sucks. It is one part resume building, and one part "look at me" as its worst. But, this is true of almost any job, really. Still, suffice it to say that academia is especially competitive. I don't always like having to be that competitive.

That may sound like the guiding philosophy of a loser, but I don't feel that way. I feel like I have a lot to offer to the table. At times, I feel like a gifted writer and teacher. I know I have something to share, contribute, and add. This wasn't my shot, but maybe that shot will come. Soon? Soonish?

Singer/songwriter Tom Petty gets at the heart of facing walls and obstacles in life in his song, "Walls," which can be heard below:

Second 8-Week English Classes

The start of my second 8-week English classes has been busy for me to say the least. I am now teaching four sections of English 111 (Think:  English 101) for two different community colleges and in three different locations, serving very different populations. Two are standard courses, with students coming to class regularly, and two are hybrid, where more work is required online.

Each class is at different points in the course, and each school wishes the class to be taught slightly different. So, although I am teaching the same course, they all feel fairly different. Still, I am learning a lot about the craft of teaching, as I scurry around to each place, trying to meet the demands of my students and my superiors. 

Here are a few of my observations:

• One English class meets everyday, so I never have to worry about leaving out something, because I know I can always get to it the next day. 
• One class meets three days a week for two hours at a time. This is a great chunk of time to work with. I try not to lecture for too long, as students can't just sit idly by for two hours. I try to break things up with group activities/discussion. Because this class is two hours long each day, we usually have plenty of time to consider the ideas we are going over through discussion time. 
• My hybrid classes meet for a shorter period each week, so the discussion must continue outside of the classroom, through online components/assignments. Keeping the discussion going online is not easy to do, and students desire to stay in the discussion varies quite a bit from student to student, even on graded material. 
• The struggle over all of these classes is to make sure that roughly the same amount of material is covered, even when the different formats and time allotted makes this difficult. 

It is said that teaching is a craft and a calling. Now that I have a few years experience under my belt, I can see this is especially true. A big part of teaching is coming up with a great plan, gathering good materials to go along with that plan, but also having the sponteneity to change the plan and go with the flow at times. Maybe this is where teaching becomes less like a craft and more like an art? There have been times in class where students get into a discussion or concept I did not plan on them enjoying so much. That is not the time to speed up, and rush to the next thing - to follow the plan. Instead, that is the time to slow down and let the students steer the discussion. I do not know specifically how that fire gets lit, but when it does, I feel good about stoking it, and making it last a bit longer. 

Sticking to the Important List!

Image from Wikipedia Commons

This year I have been thinking about ways to be more productive by spending more time doing enriching activities - i.e. the things that will make me a better person over the long haul. Thinking is the operant word here, because in some cases I have not been very successful. I guess you could say I am doing a little life-"editing" at the moment. The closer I get to 30, the more I am considering how I use and spend my precious time. Frankly, I think its important to add a little momento mori to your life to keep your focus fixed on what is important.

Making a list of important, enriching, and productive tasks is easy for me. Adhering to that list is not. A quick list of items I would like to dedicate more attention to are:

• writing/blogging
• reading (especially offline)
• listening to podcasts/audiobooks
• drinking more water/being more health-conscious
• exercising
• playing guitar

Unfortunately, much of my time gets wasted on less productive, less enriching acts:

• Watching TV/Netflix
• Vegging out online
• Shopping for the next thing online
• Playing computer games

Between these two lists, there is a major disconnect in the way I spend my time. I know the things I should be focusing on/doing, but it is a lot easier to default to the second list of entertaining distractions/diversions. These things are easier, more fun, and demand less of my attention and dedication. Ultimately, however, they do not end up making me feel like I have accomplished much. So, the task is to figure out how to devote more attention to the first, more important list. And, that is what my attention has been set on this year. I have been figuring out better habits for myself, and now I am figure out how to follow through with those better habits. 

Part of the success of better habits I think is based on having a gentle, helpful, and understanding view of the long term. For instance, I am writing/blogging more this year, but maybe not as much as I should be. Still, this is a win! I am reading more this year, but only by degrees from last year. Still, this too is a win! I read somewhere that everyone should aim to get 1% better each day. That is a small win, but over the long haul, people could see some major results. 

I am trying to live my life according to the philosophy that time is precious. In doing so, I have to take stock on how I spend my time. Really, I would just like to live life to the fullest and use my time wisely. In the end, I think this is what everyone wishes. But, let's face it, it's hard to adhere to the important list!